An Epiphany A Day

Do you remember the very first time you laid eyes on someone, and felt that he/she was the one?

Do you remember how naive you were, as you did everything you could so catch his/her eye?

Then perhaps, he/she chose to walk away, you felt crushed and made all sorts of stupid promises that you won’t ever fall in love again. You believed that you could never face the pain again.

But you did, again and again.

It’s cause, despite all the crap he/she put you through, the feeling you experience was a beautiful thing.

No matter how much you deny it, deep down, there’s always a shred of curiousity either suppressed for so long, or always rearing its hopeful self.

So don’t tell me that you don’t feel a thing.

Don’t you dare come up to my face and claim that it was never something important. Don’t say that it was part of your plan to simply hurt him/her and move on.

Cause, before you started screwing it up, and thinking that you deserved better, even when you had it all, you had a pretty damn good thing.

Now he/she is gone, you’re picking up the pieces, and hoping for a second chance.

For the past few days, I’ve been thinking about quite a few things. I don’t know whether I should write them here, but I really need to express myself, so here I go.

I know that I’ve been a total bitch about the recent changes, and I always felt that the fault never lied with me, but now I know better. I suppose the reason why I was so sore about things was because, it’s hard to see my friends move on. I feel scared not knowing what’s going on in their lives, because it makes me feel unimportant and shunned.

It was easier before when we all went to the same school and spent, easily six hours together in one of the most dilapidated compounds (referring to both sec and jc, AHAHA) but as we moved on, although our bonds never changed, I hope, it feels as though I won’t be a part of their lives anymore.

I’m happy that they’re happy, but at the same time, I wonder whether I’ve conjured too many ideal imageries in my mind, since the disappointment is rather burdening.

I love seeing all the updates on FB, twitter among other things, but I yearn to be THERE with THEM. Not on the side just watching and smiling.. For that, I guess I am being a greedy bitch who’s insecure and is so afraid of losing the few friends he has left.

Early last year had already shown such signs, with J being like a caged bird, just for starters. But it was easier cause S was around. As much as my other friends insisted that I ask her along for social meetups, I guess S and I were weird in a way that we didn’t want to blur the lines.

I’ve one time too often felt like a lightbulb in a clique of a few couples. Either that, or being in a trio, where my two friends were an item. It makes things estranged.

Now that she’s gone, and my friends are all busy, haaaaa it’s hard.

I don’t really know what I’m typing about, except that I do know that I feel rather miserable. Last time, I used to feel unguilty about sending a random text to a friend asking for a session to catch up, but now.. I guess circumstances change.

I feel miserable being where I am at now.

And I’m sorry for this post. Please don’t be offended.

There are a lot of things that I should be thankful for. There are things that I have, non-material and material included, that makes me feel very blessed. I suppose, during this moment, certain things happen, and I just wish for more. I also wish that I knew why some people do the things they do.

I want to understand why some people choose to say one thing, and actually mean something else.

I want all my friends to know each other, so that for once in my life, I say more ‘yes’-es than ‘no’-s to plans that my friends initiate.

I want to know why, if honesty is so valued, then why is it that it causes so many things to fall to pieces, when we wanted the best, then no one picks up the pieces and leaves everything to me?

I look at all the pictures I’ve kept over the years, and from time to time, I can recall the awkward moment I had, from rejecting another friend, so that I could go out with another.

This is tiring.

Be quiet, let me leave, let me go.
Don’t say another word, cause with every sound,
You’re pulling me down.
Baby, you’ve got a hold on me, like gravity..

My life finally feels a little bit better, having met various friends after oh-so-long.

Zoukout with BG was pure love. The music sucked and after a while, we got highly annoyed, but I loved how we managed to have fun camwhoring. Though H looked extremely bored in all of the photos.

His expression read:

Omfg, if not for J being here, I’d rather be elsewhere playing soccer than hang out with her bunch of cloony friends. -.-

P texted me a few hours ago saying that she misses BG’s tradition of having sushi buffets while bitching the afternoon away. I hope that it happens soon! (: With exams over for those in uni, and most guys getting their leave cleared in this month, it’s high time to meet and partaaaye! (:

Okay, not literally. P and J have made promises to not club/drink so that they’d get straight As and I’m not huge on the clubbing scene.

I’m meeting C this Wednesday night for dinner at Lot One. I’ve not seen that MILO drink in months! I shall make her laugh till she’s unable to eat! :D

I’m meeting Y next week, for Coffee Bean, or was it Starbucks at Holland V. She’s still happily in LALA land with JL of course, and I’m truly happy for them. I’m even more ecstatic that I’ve managed to contact them after so long.

The last time I met C and Y was BEFORE enlistment. We’re talking 7 months! As for Y, I’ve seen her ONCE in Lot One, but even that was rushed, cause I was booking in and she was zooming home. Ooooh the wonders of December.

S is coming back from Genting Highlands today. I hope she’s able to handle Singapore’s screwed weather. We’re going to have a blazer day soon. We had better camwhore like crazy. I refuse to dress to the nines and not camwhore for a total of at least 80 photos. Since our last meeting could be spent camwhoring at some random bus stop, I’m sure this time won’t be so hard. :D

Except we are the indecisive peeps who can’t seem to decide where to go. I think that shall be my assignment tonight.

There would be some celebration this weekend, in lieu of E’s wedding. I hope that it ends in time for me to meet BG for a pre xmas celebration that A is organising. It’s at PLU. I’ve been there once, and me loves the atmosphere. :D

I’m hoping that this time, my work-life balance works out.

KJ said that I’m going to have a lot of problems in life/relationships/everything because of my size. Oh well, I don’t really care about my SIZE anymore.

I’ve finally completed watching GG on my computer. If there’s one thing that I could say that I’m proud of learning, is that friends are important. Not because you’ve got a million friends, but because you know that there are people out there who’d be by your side no matter what.

I used to be rather confused. I didn’t know what to make of friendships sometimes. Despite the overwhelming amount of bitchiness in the show, I’m glad that I had this takeaway from it all. I’m a whole lot clearer about who my friends are and I’m truly thankful for that.

They split up and went to NYU, Brown, Yale.. Despite the hugeass distance, it’s about the effort, and how badly you want the friendship to work out. NUS, SMU, NTU, Kaplan, Imperial, Manchester, no matter where you guys are, I love you.

In a scientific article I’ve read recently, it said that friends can be more important and have a greater impact in one’s life than family. To which H replied: OMFG, I’VE GOT THE GREATEST EXAMPLE BESIDE ME. To the uninitiated, the one beside H was me.

I suppose friends have shaped me quite a bit, and I’m thankful, cause.. certain things prevented my parents from ever being there. Like how I had a yelling match with my parents again at midnight after being tossed awake by my mom because she disagreed with my SLEEPING POSITION. Is that even justified?

Oh well, my parents are out of the country for the rest of the week. It’ll definitely give me time to recuperate from the recent string of family SHIT.

I suppose my recent bout of bad temper stems from the fact that my uncle told me that my mom bitched about my friends to him. I was thankful that he saw things my way and sided me when my mom did so. I just cannot believe that my own mother can be so hypocritical about my own friends, even after meeting a few of them.

Be calculative while you can, because we’ll see who’s the last one laughing. I’m going to do a Lillian van der Woodsen.

Okay, enough of annoying issues.

I saw a scrap piece of paper that my sister attacked a few nights ago. She was writing to her friend, saying that she made this necklace and how she thinks it will look beautiful on her friend. I was honestly very astonished by her command of english. Like what was she doing? To learn all that is like ‘whoa’. Well, one merit point for now. After the stealing stint that my parents thought wasn’t a big deal, I can’t bring myself to give any more merit points.

I don’t know how more weekends are going to get burnt, and since that leaves me with lesser time to meet friends, I’ve decided to write some notes here instead. I don’t know whether they’ll see it, but I hope they do, in time.

SAMANTHA JANELLE CHAN

I could probably write out your full name, but I know how much you hate your Chinese name, so I’ll spare you the torture. I want to thank you for listening, and for not judging, because it was hard to admit that I had a problem, and I felt embarrassed. You were always there for me, no matter where or when, and I’m glad that despite how rare we meet up, it’s always good quality time. I’m sorry our recent meeting was spent talking about ‘me’ and ‘me’, but I hope you understand that I’m just a total emotional mess. You’re an amazing friend, and I’m grateful to know you. It’s nice, to know that someone is there, listening, and really listening. We’ll hang out soon again? This time, it’s a blazer’s day. You’re so on! (: Love you Bestfriend. Or should I say, love you S.

NIGEL LOW

I’m sorry that I totally destroyed your evening with my emotions. You were having fun at a party and I should not have interfered. But you being you, pretty much knew that it was serious. Thank you for flying down from Sembawang, or god knows where the party was at, to my void deck, at 11 at night to talk. To remind me that it’s not wrong to be afraid of the future, and that I won’t be alone facing the uncertainties. I know that I’ve said some things and did some things that I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry. You are an amazing friend and I hope you know that. Remember how you said that an individual is measured more than the surface? Maybe it’s time to give yourself a chance. You’re a fab person, and you need to know that. Don’t grind your face on the pavement because you don’t feel like a poster dude. Guess what, they’re all photoshopped anyway. Please believe in yourself as much as you believe in your other friends and me. You probably might be touched by this for two seconds only anyway, so wth.

LIAN HAIGUANG

I honestly hate how you read me, like a book for kids. But I suppose that’s how we became such good friends. I know that I was really mean to you when you came over my place the other day, but I was just scared about what tomorrow might bring. It’s not very often that you find almost all your dreams snatched away from you because of a moment’s realization. I unfairly vented it upon you and I truly regret that. I know you think that I don’t prioritise my time well, but I am trying to make an effort to change that, and I hope that in time, you’ll see it.

NICOLE KHONG

I won’t take back what I said before, because I still mean it: we’ve drifted. Remember the things we used to do? Talk about dreams, aims, what we’re going to do in life? I miss that stage of our lives, and I still think about it often, and how to get everything back to how they used to be. We were friends, schoolmates, bitching partners for so long, and suddenly we crumbled apart. I hope that deep down, you miss the friendship as much as I do. Perhaps we could hang out sometime and try to make things work. You don’t know how much that phonecall meant to me. It gave me a hope, and faith that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

A group of friends that I’ve neglected. And I think you know who you are..

I know we havent been all peachy lately, and I need to thank Bel for the knock on the head that she gave me. I suppose that when we were out of Anderson, the stimulus to hang out was a little more dampened. We all have new social calls, new friends, more responsibilities. However, despite all that, you guys are important to me, and we have been through so much in so little time. From different classes, to different CCAs, and different cliques even, we somehow weathered one of the worst academic storm ever. (there’s more to come, I’m sure) I’m sorry that I’ve not made an effort at all. Some of you may hate me. But despite the fact that you may have cooler, closer friends, I still treasure the friendship. I really do. And I hope we’ve not reached the point where everything has crumbled to dust. I love you guys.

I don’t know whether anyone comes to my blog anymore, having deleted my counter. But I’m thankful that I could be honest.

I just hope that I’m not too late.

After all the things that I’m undergoing, I don’t know whether I even want to see tomorrow. It’s depressing, and I hate it. Everyone I talk to keeps giving me the cliche, that everything will be better, and it gives me a headache reading the conversation on MSN.

In the first place, I knew it was hard for them to understand. I just don’t know what to do. Giving up Uni feels terrible, and doing it part time feels as though I’m throwing my dreams of being a full-fledged student into the nearby bin. It feels weird not knowing where to turn when I thought I had a number of friends.

They say money isn’t everything, but I’ve never believed that. Perhaps this is the reason why.

I feel terrible. And no amount of tears can ever express enough.

This is the first time where I feel as though I want everything to simply end. Oh god.

Woke up today feeling extremely ill. I went to the clinic and got a medical excuse. Unfortunately, I guess after all the so-called ‘work performance’, my officers are still against me.

I don’t know why I try so hard.

- – -

A lot of times, people tell you to stop hurting and move on. But how do you move on when the people you love most have forgotten you? How do I stop feeling horrible.

I’ve to resort to stupid means of finding out what’s going on in their lives. And I keep on wondering how they could stand there and pretend as though our friendship meant nothing to each other anymore.

It’s sad.

Maybe I’m really back to square one: that I’m not a good friend anymore.

Today was spent sleeping and spending a good portion at work. It was boring, but thinking of Cow made it better, well at least till I got home. Please don’t ask me why.

It’s strange how I’m supposedly older, and expected to be wiser, but sadly, I’m immersing myself in mental images of idealism. Since I don’t think anyone’s watching, I think it’s safe to continue.

Things between myself and J and N are getting more and more estranged. It’s sad, how I never seem to fit into their schedules anymore, but they just so happen to make time for others. I could be thinking too much, or perhaps I’m not as important or as happening anymore.

M has flown off yesterday and I don’t know whether I did the right thing in planning the whole ’staying out late’ thing. It felt as though it didn’t work out, with M constantly turning to her PSP, when all I wanted was to spend the last few hours that she had in Singapore doing some real HTHT. Again, I erred.

I just gave myself a bit of me time. Just the usual grooming and stuff. NL got me this fantastic vanilla sugar shea butter hand lotion. I used it along with some other stuff. Aromatherapy, the works.

It hurts a lot, and even therapy doesn’t help.

I found out today that my sister STOLE. You’re gone and I don’t know where to turn.

It hurts.

I’m thankful that I’ve been going out quite often. It’s just, I wish that there were more outings with various other people, people I thought were my close friends.

I never thought that Nicole and I would run out of topics to talk about, but we did. I can feel that we’re so estranged now. I don’t know how to believe all of this.

With MS flying off, and NL with his crazy plans, I wonder who I’ll be able to hang out with in the future. It’s depressing. I might have plans for Christmas and New Years, but the thought of being alone for the next few weeks is, scary. I did say that some alone time would be nice from time to time, but all work and no meetups for months is just a total nightmare.

Bel and I talked for a bit just now. We decided that no matter how exhausting it may be to plan things, we’re going to be the ones initiating plans from now on. We might not be able to get everyone to meet, but at least there’s still some communication. We’ll hope that the rest start to make the effort to show up.

After all, saying goodbye to a group of friends just because we cannot have everyone together again is rather sad. We’ve been through so many things, and these friendships are important. At least, to me.

- – -

SEX JOKE (IGNORE IF YOU’RE AGAINST EXPLICIT DESCRIPTION)

M: Maybe N finds the forehead hot.
N: Yeah, some foreheads can be sexy hot.
A: Omfg, how?! Like this? (places hand on own forehead and imitates sexual sounds of pleasure)
M & N burst out laughing.
N: Imagine the forehead has 5000 G spots!
M: HOLY FUCK. If someone accidentally touched his forehead, what happens man?!
A: A GEYSER OF ORGASMS, LITERALLY.

Ahem, the stupid things we come up with.

Oooh, and the priceless visual image of Chris and Sheva from Resident Evil 5, or was it 6?

The cruise that I went to from Friday to Sunday was wonderful. I enjoyed myself, and would’ve enjoyed it even more if not for the fact that my camera went missing. I’m more overwhelmed by the fact that I’ve lost 400 pictures than the loss of the camera.

J, if you ever read this, thank you for listening. I was relieved that you understood how important those pictures were to me, and how sentimental I am. Hopefully this Friday works out, though I barely know what to wear, and what to get.

Hooked on to GOSSIPGIRL. Oooh it’s the shizzz. Except, the bitchiness is so bad I swear that I’m an angel in comparison.

xoxo.